Friday, 3 November 2017

7 Alternative Names

1. Punjab ~ Sikhim

2. Queensland ~ Koala Lumpur

3. Mumbai ~ Bollyvia

4. Dhaka ~ Mosque-o

5. Dharavi ~ Shantyniketan

6. Bermuda ~ Knickeragua

7. India ~ Ma Cow

Thursday, 24 August 2017

When Tagore shared a train journey with Baba Sehgal

Baba Sehgal: Oye hoye, Santa Claus! Isn’t it August only? Idli dubega sambhar mein/Christmas to December mein!

Tagore: Dustu chhele, it’s me, Gurudev.

Baba Sehgal: Chha gaya Guruuuuu!

Tagore: Come again?

Baba Sehgal: Sorry, that was Sidhu paaji’s line. Jab mian-biwi raazi/muhavra marega Sidhu paaji...

Tagore: Dustu chhele, you speak gibberish...

Baba Sehgal: Coconut matlab nariyal/are you Tagore the Real?

Tagore: What nonsense! Hey, hey, keep your hands off my beard. I shampoo it daily.

Baba Sehgal: Aha! Chamak a gaya shampoo se, GF layi Thimphu se (plays tabla on the food tray).

Tagore: Keep quiet please, will you?

Baba Sehgal: Sure. OK, how much did your national anthem sell?

Tagore: What do you mean?

Baba Sehgal: I’m sure not more than my “Thanda Thanda Paani”?

Tagore: This is surreal! Do you even know the anthem?

Baba Sehgal: Don’t underestimate me Gurudev! (begins playing tabla on tray) “Sa re jahan se achha...”

Tagore: (sighs) Clearly one man’s anthem is another’s anathema...

Baba Sehgal: Achcha Gurudev, did the Bangladeshis pay you for writing their anthem?

Tagore: Are you crazy? Where was Bangladesh then?

Baba Sehgal: In Bangladesh, of course! Gavaskar bhi Sunny, Leone be Sunny/aap Gurudev too much funny. By the way Gurudev, you wrote so many jingles...

Tagore: (massages chest) Poem beta, poems.

Baba Sehgal: Same thing. Which one is your favourite?

Tagore: (cheers up a bit) “Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high…” Do you know when I wrote it?

Baba Sehgal: Dadiji maike jaane ke baad, hain na? hain na? (attempts high-fives and bursts into laughter).

Tagore: (sighs) I have to get down here. They are supposed to send someone with a car.

Baba Sehgal: Can I tag along? Just sing once: "Aaja meri gaadi me baith jaa, aaja meri gaadi me baith jaa..."

Tagore: Sorry, the only song that I feel like singing is one of my own, “Ekla Chalo Re..."(deboards)

Friday, 21 July 2017

A page from Rajinikanth's diary

0615: Woke up the Sun, full three nanoseconds late. Threatened to fire it and replace it with a giant LED. It offered Rajininamaskar though.

0620: Fed eucalyptus leaves to Corny and let it roam in my garden before sending it back to the basement park. Imagine the mayhem if someone sees my pet unicorn.

0645: Went for a walk, the air is so toxic. Breathed in filter mode, knitting my nasal hairs into a thin screen which allows only oxygen in. Sneezed out lumps of crystalised argon. How do ordinary people even breathe?

0715: Had good sparring with Yetim. Five years ago, I absentmindedly climbed Mt Everest and found the orphan Yeti there. Only Anil Kapoor has more hair per inch.

1000: Missed the 9 a.m. pill, so had to time-travel. Memory playing tricks. The other day could not recall the entry on page 456 of Encyclopaedia Britannica Volume 33.

1300: Completed morning shooting. Director was yet to script the climax. I told him to shoot my cigarette stunt and take it backwards from there.

1400: Took a nap. A beautiful dream saw me.

1500: Swallowed some sun-rays. I absolutely mean it when I say light snacks.

1600: Called a press conference and made emphatically ambiguous comments about joining politics. Great fun, watching media, especially those in Delhi, run like a headless chicken.

1700: Signed film against Aaradhya Bachchan. Also tweeted my resolve to fight nepotism in showbiz.

1800: A cat startled me. Activated ultrasonic hearing. Earth positively creaked. Need to check the axis tomorrow.

1900: Spielberg called to offer a Hollywood film. I offered him a Tamil film instead. He’ll get back.

2000: Latha’s birthday, so ordered a personal full moon. Also spared her the kitchen chores. Vegetables cooked themselves.

2100: Had a bout of hiccups. Sheep worldwide counting me to get some sleep. Poor animals. Good night.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Application For The Post Of Team India Head Coach

Shri Sachin Tendulkar
Shri Sourav Ganguly
Shri VVS Laxman

Subject: Application for Head Coach, Team India

Dear Sirs,

This is in response to your advertisement for the post of Head Coach, Team India. Kindly convey my sincere thanks to Anil Kumble Sir, for creating a vacancy when the job market is shrinking like hemline in summer.

I don't really know why he quit but can make an educated guess that he paid the price for trying to be the Greg Chappell from Bangalore.

I heard he was determined to bring Virat's meeting with Anushka strictly under the FTP.

Being an ICC Cricket Committee member, he also insisted that Virat mouthed only MCC-approved, gender-neutral expletives. Apparently, he was mortally scared of having to say "Only one team is abusing in the true spirit of the game and it's not India."

A renowned wildlife photographer, he reportedly sought BCCI approval to drop Axar Patel in front of a starving lion in Gir to capture the beast's yawn.

While I don't boast a record like Anil sir, I have none of his eccentricities either.

I think the first attribute of a good coach is vision and mine is 20/20. I'm attaching the ophthalmologist's report corroborating it. Unlike Anil Sir, I can see the writing on the wall.

My biggest strength is that I've never coached any team in my life. I'm attaching endorsement letters from eight clubs confirming they never considered me worthy of the job.

My inexperience means existing ideas have not polluted or confined my views, and that I won't be just recycling the standard coaching practices to justify my salary. No.

As someone with no knowledge of cricket coaching, my ideas are naturally fresh, completely unbiased and potentially revolutionary.

It may shock the players initially but that's how all revolutionary ideas kick in -- with a bang and not whimper.

Unlike Anil Sir, I have a better idea of what the job entails. Trust me, I have no illusion about the job.

Players at this age don't need a coach. What they need is someone who is decent at baby-sitting. For instance, I've noticed players like Shikhar Dhawan tour with the entire family in tow.

I can look after the kids while their dads play and moms shop. I'm attaching endorsement letters from neighbourhood moms who'd vouch for my baby-sitting skills. I don't want to brag but I can change diaper blindfolded and with one arm tied behind my back.

I can even take their wives/girlfriends to shopping, in an "elder-brotherly" manner, if you know what I mean. I'm great at haggling and can get them the best deal anywhere. I'm attaching letters of endorsement from three exasperated shopkeepers to support my claim.

I know bit of cooking as well. So, for instance, if Rohit Sharma wants a bowl of noodles and walks out to bat, I can serve it piping hot when he returns.

I understand the job requires thick skin and I blush to inform that daily hundreds of mosquitoes blunt their precious proboscis trying to suck my blood. I'm attaching a clinical profile of the skin to support my claim.

As for mindset, after a decade of marital bliss, I'm clinically immune to criticism, sarcasm, humiliation and outright insults.

I read Anil Sir was the 'alpha male' in the dressing room. Kindly tell Virat that I'm ready to be the 'omega male' and he should not worry.

Sirs, in keeping with the demand of the job, I'm ready to feel unheeded and unwanted, and ridiculed behind my back.

If I understand it correctly, you are looking for a high-profile good-for-nothing, who should assiduously twiddle his thumb while the captain calls the shots.

I understand as Head Coach, my job would be to front the media after crushing defeats and dust the captain's chair before he addresses news folks post-victory.

Without further testing your presence, I believe I've strongly demonstrated that I have a crystal-clear understanding of the job.

Please find attached my CV. Should you need any further information, just give me a miss call and I'll call you back.

Yours sincerely
A permanently married, temporarily jobless Indian

Friday, 26 May 2017

10 More Books Unlikely To Be Written In India

Sunday, 21 May 2017

10 Books Unlikely To Be Written In India

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Yama-Yudhisthir Q&A

Yama: Why were sunglasses invented?
Yudhisthir: So that shy men can ogle at women while keeping a clear conscience.

Yama: How to be happy?
Yudhisthir: Fake it. If you can successfully fake happiness, that would sadden your enemies, which in turn would make you genuinely happy.

Yama: Cats apparently have nine lives, but dogs have just one. Why?
Yudhisthir: That's the price you pay for being man's best friend. Nobody likes us you see...

Yama: Why do kids cry first thing after they are born?
Yudhisthir: They know what they are getting into.

Yama: Why do people marry?
Yudhisthir: So that divorce lawyers don't starve.

Yama: Who popularised green tea?
Yudhisthir: Even I'm looking for the idiot.

Yama: Finally...why did Katappa kill Bahubali?
Yudhisthir: (Sighs)...In the long run we are all dead.

* More Yama-Yudhisthir Q&A here and here