Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Doosra Annual Awards 2013

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Awards Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, here are the annual gongs:

1. Innocent Lambs of The Year: Mumbai Police. Entire world, and some even in Mars, knows who was driving the Aston Martin, except Mumbai cops.

2. Friendly Politician of the Year: Narendra Modi. "Mitron..."

3. Political Astronomer of the Year: Rahul Gandhi. For suggesting Dalits need Jupiter's escape velocity to escape from Mayawati's clutch and succeed.

4. Pontificating Ponytail of the Year: Tarun Tejpal. He recused himself from the award ceremony, preferring prolonged laceration instead in a Goa jail.

5. Padma Bibhishan: Preet Bahara. The alacrity with which he handled the Devyani Khobragde case will give inferiority complex even to the younger sibling of the Lanka king from Ramayan.

6. Larynx of the Nation: Arnab Goswami. NASA has confirmed his is the only human voice audible even from outer world.

7. Sulabh Irrigation Idea of the Year: Ajit Pawar. For this radical suggestion of filling empty dams.

8. Jai Mata Di Scientist of the Year: ISRO chief K Radhakrishnan. For visiting Balaji temple to seek blessing for India’s Mars orbiter.

9. Retiree of the Year: Sorry to disappoint Sachin Tendulkar fans, it’s Uday Chopra. His decision to quit acting has plunged Pluto into great depression while his female fans in Mars, unable to bear the truth, refused breakfast.

10. Indian Domestic Help Association's Shiney Ahuja Medal: Devyani Khobragade for her treatment of Sangeeta Richard.

11. Bollywood Parole Model of the Year: Sanjay Dutt, for flying in and out of jail as and when he wishes.

12. Pathetic Pinocchio of the Year: Akhilesh Yadav, for presiding over UP riots and showing Nero's sensitivity when Rome burnt.

13. Ideal Father-in-law of the Year: N Srinivasan, for protecting G Meiyappan with the kind of ferocity that has set the bar higher for all pa-in-laws under the sun.

14. National Beans Spiller: Karan Johar. Latest data suggest more people consumed coffee at ‘Koffee With Karan’ than in CCD and Costa Café put together.

15. Goldie Bail Medal: Baba Ramdev’s Patanjali Yogpeeth which found gold in cow urine. Bappi Lahiri regrets buying 400 cows in hurry and is apparently planning to sue Ramdev for misleading gullible public.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Sachin Tendulkar's 7 Abject Failures

If you want nausea-inducing Tendulkar hagiography, mainstream media is the place to be.

Even as a teary-eyed nation prepares for the farewell match of her favourite son, Doosra has not lost perspective. Leaving the easy eulogy part to others, Doosra gleans seven conspicuous failures of Tendulkar's otherwise glittering cricket career:

1. Never made it to the Delhi University cut-off list, handicapped primarily by the fact that he is not a Delhiite;

2. Not known to have succeeded in buying a tatkal ticket from IRCTC website, despite his short back-lift and flawless follow-through;

3. Could not find a quality hair transplant for chum Vinod Kambli;

4. Failed to convince Swami Agnivesh to drink Livpure water;

5. Could not find a girl for buddy Rahul Gandhi;

6. Never cleared his position on issues including but not confined to - euthanasia, bifurcation of AP and the prolonged bachelorhood of Salman Khan;

7. Never endorsed an edible machine gun which doubles up as a folding bicyle.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Indian Grand Prix: Live Commentary by Ravi Shastri and Navjot Sidhu

Ravi Shastri: Welcome to Indian Grand Prix. The news from centre is Red Bull’s Sebastian Vettel has won the toss and decided to bat first. Err...I mean...has won the pole and decided to finish first. Greater Noidaaaaaaaaa. Are you readyyyyyy?

Navjot Sidhu: Oye guruuuuu. My lines are ready too, thoko tali. The grass is green, the sky is blue, Ecclestone’s daughter is down with flu...

RS: Cut the crap Sherry. The atmosphere is electric at Buddh International Circuit. There is some dew, I just got the feeling that gripping steering would be difficult later in the race. Whoever wins the toss should...err, I keep forgetting there is no toss. Let’s move to the commentary box.

NS: Chha gaya guru, chal!

RS: Ladies and gentlemen, here we go! The 3rd Indian Grand Prix is on and Sebastian Vettel is off like a tracer bullet!

NS: Bas kar yaar! If Vettel is bullet then Alonso is not too late, and I see Grosjean, stepping up to the plate. Thoko taali!

RS: A flying start for Vettel taking advantage of field restrictions but Webber is cutting loose here. Sherry, I just got the feeling that Vettel and Alonso will give it everything.

NS: Bas kar yaar! Remember, a wire catches fire like the pant of a liar…

RS: He started off well but the question is will Vettel win? Will he lose? Will it be a tie? At this stage, all three results are possible!

NS: Tie? my dear friend, a tie is a pie in the sky and its chances are well nigh…

RS: Vettel is changing tyre here and rejoins race. He’s just upped the ante!

NS: Chha gaya guruuuu! Ante or aunty, Babli aur Bunty, I’m feeling hungry, can I have some bun-tea? Thoko tali…

RS: Now Alonso hits Webber! Remember, when Alonso hits, it stays hit! The race is going down to the wire. Well, not really. Vettel has built a healthy lead. I think he should declare now and put the opposition in. What do you think Sherry?

NS: Oye guruuuu, declare is like éclairs, you shouldn’t delay.

RS: Another DLF maximum! Vettel clocks the fastest lap! Excellent running between the wickets. Sherry, I think he should try a slower one and deceive his rivals. Just what the doctor ordered!

NS: Oye guruuuu, speed is like weed. It gives you a kick. Why should Vettel slow down? Remember when you go with the flow, you don’t glow when you slow.

RS: Looks like Alonso got stuck in heavy traffic! I just got the feeling that he will take the aerial route. He’s trailing but Alonso is a cool customer with loads of experience. He will soon be dealing in boundaries.

NS: Boundaries! Guruuuu, you mean he will hit the boundary tyrewall?

RS: Not at all Sherry. Boundary means he’d overtake four cars at a time.

NS: Chha gaya guruuu! Webber retired, Pic retired, seems Hulkenberg too retired…It’s reminding me of the cycle stand at Rajendrs Talkies in Patiala – one falls and the whole row collapses!

RS: Sherry, we are talking about F1, not bicycles, ok? concentrate on the race, it’s about to end. I’ll tell Srini Sir to dock half your salary and give it to me instead. And as we talk, Vettel hits DLF maximum! A huge six…th successive win with Alonso nowhere in sight!

NS: Oye guruuuu, maza a gaya. My dear Ravi, Vettel is like the King among men, peacock among hen...

RS: ...and unlike you, sober among insane. Moron. Well, that’s it from Buddh International Circuit. We all saw a high-scoring contest. It was a cracker of a race and fair to say that in the end, cricket was the real winner.

(Pix: AP)

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

11 ActorAreas

1. Arshad Warsaw.
2. Mammooty.
3. Boman Iran.
4. Congona Ranaut.
5. Ankara Mali.
6. Ranbirbhum Kapoorthala.
7. Sunny Sierra Leone.
8. Raniganj Mukherjee Nagar.
9. Paresh Rawalpindi.
10. Manisha Kerala.
11. Keshtopur.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Sourav Ganguly As Shah Jahan!

Be it his running-between-wicket or agility in the outfield, Sourav Ganguly, in his long and glorious career, has rarely lagged behind when it comes to contributing mirth.

Here Dada takes it to a new level, in his rose-sniffing Shah Jahan avatar.

(Pix courtesy: Mir of Radio Mirchi)

Saturday, 5 October 2013

11 Add-A-Word-And-Ruin-A-Film-Titles

At times, life becomes as dull as diet shondesh. Or Prime Minister’s speech from Red Fort.

To survive that monotony, one needs to look at existing things from a different perspective to generate some amusement.

A similar need spurred Doosra to collect 11 movie titles, from Bollywood as well as Hollywood, and squeeze in an extra word to see how they look on paper.

The result is before you to see:
1. Complimentary Breakfast at Tiffany's.

2. Ek Tha Tiger Pataudi.

3. Yuvvraaj Singh.

4. Brokeback Mountain Dew.

5. Baabul Supriyo.

6. Break Dances with Wolves.

7. Phata Poster Nikla Hero Cycle.

8. Sholay Kulche.

9. Just Dial M for Murder.

10. Vishwanathan Anand.

11. Banarasi Paan Singh Tomar.

Monday, 30 September 2013

7 Indian Neologisms

1. Aaramkhor (n) : Idle loafer.
"!&?@#!#%&! You misfielded again!" Virat Kohli thundered into Rohit Sharma’s eardrum. "We are working our socks off and here you are loafing around! Saale aaramkhor!"
2. Agreeculture (n): Corporate culture where subordinates mindlessly agree to whatever their boss says.
The CEO is an ignorant moron but his subordinates don’t have the guts to tell him that. It’s a company which expects you to agree to whatever the boss says. I can't survive in an agreeculture like that.
3. Andolone (n): Fight a movement alone.
Anna Hazare began his anti-establishment movement alone before the Arvind Kejriwals joined him. Till then it was Andolone.
4. Artifacial (n+adj) : Beauty parlour.
After the IPL spot-fixing scandal ended his cricket career, Sreesanth opened an artifacial shop in Kochi.
5. Solemate (n) : Friends who share footwear.
Few were surprised as Greg Chappell turned up in the press conference in Sourav Ganguly’s Kolhapuri chappals. They are known solemates after all.
6. Detergentleman (n): Male dhobi.
His Bollywood career gone up in smoke, Uday Chopra is trying to eke out a living as a determined detergentleman.
7. Emptea (adj) : State of the tea cup which has just been drained.
India’s most popular TV anchor, a human volcano, is actually a henpecked husband, often seen washing emptea cups at home to please his dominant wife.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Dr Narendra Modi?

Dr Narendra Modi examining if LK Advani, like Atalji, needs a knee replacement.

Pix: PTI

Thursday, 19 September 2013

India outraged at racist attack on Nina Davuluri

So what if Miss America Nina Davuluri has yet to announce chutney-soaked samosa as her favourite snack?

The Indians, including those who can’t tell Nina D from El Nino, are seething in just anger after the Indo-American was subjected to a vicious racist attack for not being a white.

The episode has upset a prominent cricketer-turned-pundit to such an extent that he struggled to make sense:
Oye Nina, chha gaya guru. Ignore yaar. Like a nun selling bun for fun, like a vowel lost in bowel wrapped in towel, like a pig real big eating fig...samajh gaye na? khataak!

There was a palpable sense of anger in Delhi, as evident from what this twentysomething had to say:
#$@&%*! ? I can't believe in this age, people fuss about complexion. #$@&%*! ? This is simply outrageous. Had it happened to me, #$@&%*! ? I’d have just told them: #$@&%*! ?, tu janta nahi mera baap kaun hai. #$@&%*! ?. Well, I got to go dude. Girlfriend wants a fairness cream and she’d be mad if I’m late, you see...

His sentiments found an echo in Mumbai where Bollywood’s reigning star had this to say:
This is shocking, I’d say much more shocking than a Sajid Khan film. I mean how can…hey, hey...where’s the make-up man? Idiot, you call this make-up? I’m not playing Dharamji’s Yakut in a ‘Razia Sultan’ remake. Paint me fair, stupid. Who brings these morons?

The mood in Chennai was no different as this Rajinikanth fan articulated:
Inge paaru, there is nothing wrong with Black. Rather I liked Black, even though it would have made much more sense to cast Nandita Das or even Kajol instead of Rani Mukherjee. What’s the big deal about being white, eh? Rajini Sir showed in ‘Sivaji: The Boss’ how to turn white. All you need is lot of orange skins, mud etc which you put in a tub and you immerse yourself under it for 6 weeks and...

Kolkata, a city renowned for non-violent outrage confined largely to words and gesticulation, was not lagging behind either. Sample this intellectually forthright outburst from a TMC cadre:
Dada, this is a common Commoonist conspiracy, notish the alliteration, to malign didi. No no, not Momota didi, but Nina didi. They are green with envy you see because she waan and green is the TMC colour, notished the paan? Arrey not the paan I’m chewing but the paan I’m spitting out. Paan re baba, P-U-N. Dhyatteri.


Saturday, 14 September 2013

10 Things That Have Left Solar System With Voyager I

So Voyager I has left the Solar System. Now what prompted this abrupt exit nobody knows.

Elevation of a younger space probe that hurt the patriarch? Lure of a greener pasture in some other universe? Lack of breathing space in an increasingly crowded space?

We probably would never know. But it's not only the spacecraft which has left.

Below, Doosra lists 10 things that have left Solar System With Voyager I.

1. S Sreesanth's career;

2. L.K. Advani's Prime Ministerial aspirations;

3. Shahid Afridi's birth certificate;

4. Ishant Sharma's skills;

5. Omar Abdullah's baldness;

6. The 'a' from Ajay Devgn's surname;

7. Tusshar Kapoor's tongue, which explains his gibberish in the "Golmaal" series and subsequent trash;

8. Sanity from Rohit Shetty blockbusters;

9. Navjot Sidhu's reticence;
and finally:
10. Arnab Goswami, whose conspicuous absence from Newshour is fuelling speculations that he is actually piloting Voyager I out of the Solar System. "Going by the noise Voyager I is making, that's a distinct possibility which can't be ruled out," a NASA scientist told Doosra strictly on condition of anonymity.

Pix: BBC

Thursday, 12 September 2013

When Sachin Tendulkar Stormed Out of Arnab Goswami's News Hour

AG: Welcome to News Hour. My guest today is none other than Sachin Tendulkar. Welcome Sachin.

SRT: Aila! I thought Rahul would go before me! I had to sacrifice a diaper commercial to be here, you know door-knob.

AG: It’s not door-knob, Arnab. I appreciate your sacrifice. Well, let’s get straight to the point. What about retirement?

SRT: Aila, retirement. Ravi would have said ‘Just what the doctor ordered’. We’ll, it’s a good thing. Afridi does it frequently, Advani occasionally. About time I guess. Once you’ve made up your mind, it’s like ‘visa power, go get it’.

AG: Well, I think we have a Breaking News here. For the first time, on a national channel, Sachin Tendulkar utters the R word and sees logic in it. The million dollar questions is - When? The nation wants to know.

SRT: Well, I guess the earlier, the better.

AG: Amazing! This is unreal even for me! So when do you retire? The nation wants to know.

SRT: Aila! Me? You gave me a nasty shock! Why should I? Even Kambli doesn’t joke like that!

AG: What? You said it’s about time and you should go when people say blah blah!

SRT: Aila, nobody asked why I am not quitting!

AG: Mr Tendulkar, the clamour is growing by the hour. Every day cricket experts are appealing you to gracefully retire.

SRT: Appealing everyday? I’ll get the morons sanctioned by ICC for excessive appealing. I had no clue such a campaign is on!

AG: Don’t you read newspapers? Don’t you watch TV? The nation wants to know.

SRT: I’m not so narcissus Mr Goswami.

AG: Narcissus? I don’t get you.

SRT: See, I’m everywhere, peeping out from adverts in every page of every newspaper. And you can’t watch a TV programme without me appearing every 10 seconds. At times I think I’m looking at mirror!

AG: For once, I have to agree. But don’t people you meet daily tell you that you should quit gracefully?

SRT: That’s why you always see me with earphone. You think I listen songs all the time? It’s just to shut that R word out.

AG: But the nation wants to know when Sachin Tendulkar will retire!

SRT: Aila, nation? What nation? Even United Nations dare not ask me that.

AG: Mr Tendulkar, you can’t duck my questions. At News hour tonight, we ask it point blank – when will Sachin Tendulkar retire?

SRT: Aila, this man is like a broken record, won’t let me go without answering this. Ok, I’ll retire at the end of my career.

AG: And when your career ends? Be specific, for the nation wants to know.

SRT: When I’m done with cricket.

AG: Don’t test my non-existent patience Mr Tendulkar. You have nothing else to prove or achieve. Why don’t you realise you have overstayed your welcome?

SRT: Aila, nobody insulted me like this. Wait, my revenge will be postponing my retirement by another five years. Enough is enough. I can’t sit here anymore with a human doorknob.

AG: Err...what! You can’t storm out of an interview like this! This is not done!

SRT: Who are you to stop me? You forgot I’m an MP. We walk out on hourly basis in the parliament. Maybe I I’m still not too late for that diaper commercial. To hell with you and your nation wants to know, you pathetic piece of door-knob...

Sunday, 8 September 2013

15 Random Thoughts

1. Husband-aid ~ Strip of cloth sourced from dupatta/saree borders by a quick-witted woman to bandage the wound of her husband. #WordOfTheDay

2. A married male hairdresser is his wife's Pati Permeshwar.

3. A man pacing up and down outside a room like a wounded lion means either he's about to be a dad or whoever occupied toilet is taking too long.

4. I don't get politicians’ obsession with addressing the nation from Red Fort. Thousands of pigeons do it everyday without making a song and dance about it.

5. Aryabhattacharya. #HadHeBeenABong

6. Poets don't grow on tree. There is no Poetree you see.

7. Forget Bollywood, Ranbir Kapoor is not even the best actor in his family.

8. Me: Bean there.
Cook: Done that.

9. Had he been a mathematician-philosopher, Virat Kohli would have been known as Gaalileo Gaalilei.

10. While most dogs are easy to train, some take time. These are unorthodogs.

11. Most government offices are basically Hall of Phlegm.

12. She didn't make tea. Did Hebrew?

13. A wise man never strays farther from the plug than the length of his mobile charger wire would allow.

14. Caste/creed/religion/political affiliation doesn't matter. Dr Batra's hair solution SMS can strike you anytime.

15. Serena Williams is the universal 'mausi' of all ladies out there. Women are from Venus, you see.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Moily’s Petrol Curfew Idea and 7 Relevant Thoughts

So Oil Minister M Veerappa Moily has backtracked on the proposal to shut petrol pumps from 8 pm to 8 am.

The radical idea, one is told, was aimed at curbing fuel demand and propping up a Rupee weaker than Arjun Rampal’s acting in a serious situation.

While the proposal has been smartly shelved, it forced one into seriously mulling a number of issues listed below:

1. Was Kurukshetra War fought only during daylight hours because charioteers were not allowed to refuel after 8 pm?

2. Can cops nab a youth for wearing Diesel jeans after 8 pm?

3. Can we employ the popular "...gaya tel lene" saying at night? Even if we can, do we need to clarify it's edible oil and not fuel?

4. Will Bollywood directors have to replace cars with Tonga for those intense chase scenes or face imprisonment?

5. Who can guarantee Prakash Jha won't make "Ram Teri Veerappa Moily", a socio-political film with Manoj Bajpayee playing a crooked oil minister?

6. Is it just a coincidence or did Destiny put an "'oily' in Petroleum minister M Veerappa Moily's surname?

7. To curb fuel consumption, will car owners be asked to buy it from IRCTC website?

(Pix courtesy)

Thursday, 29 August 2013

India’s Eyebrow XI; And 12th Man Arnab Goswami

1. Kapil Sibal: Proud owner of arguably the most powerful pair of eyebrows in contemporary Indian politics. A recent NASA study claims his flourishing eyebrows are the only man-made structure, apart from Great Wall of China, visible from space.

2. Arun Shourie: Legend has it as India’s disinvestment minister, he came tantalisingly close to divesting himself of his eyebrows before better sense prevailed.

3. Ram Jethmalani: Country’s best criminal lawyer, he at times needs just to shake his eyebrows to unnerve his rival lawyer and win case.

4. Hamid Ansari: Thanks to the unruly MPs, the Rajya Sabha chairman’s eyebrows are greying faster than a Sebastian Vettel on a Red Bull.

5. Ashutosh Rana: As best demonstrated in ‘Dushman’, the hedge over his eye had the same effect on heroines as does Shakti Kapoor’s 'Lolitaaaa'.

6. Kajol: Few heroines made better use of a unibrow to eke out a career in Bollywood. In that way, film historians claim, ‘Dushman’ was the coming together of two of Bollywood’s biggest eyebrow pairs;

7. Shilpa Shetty: She entered Bollywood with a caterpillar over each of her eyes and butterflies in her stomach. The caterpillars have paved way for shapely arches and she now cracks a smile so wide that, eyewitnesses claim, it meets at the back of her head.

8. Virat Kohli: While he considers his middle finger as his most prized possession, it was Kohli’s eyebrows which caught the selectors’ eyes first. It convinced them the kid was special.

9. Jaswant Singh: A proud Rajput who wears his robust eyebrows like his badge of honour. He mumbles, only because his mouth shoots the words upwards where they lose their way in his bushy eyebrows and are reduced to gibberish by the time they emerge out of the vegetation;

10. Imran Khan: While his released films haven’t succeeded in proving he can act, some still believe his thick eyebrows hide his rumoured acting talents.

11. Karishma Kapoor: She was all eyebrows when she burst onto the scene and has clearly not been the same force since the ill-advised plucking of the arches.

And 12th man

12. Arnab Goswami: Owns the biggest proverbial eyebrow which he routinely raises every evening, demanding an answer to what the nation wants to know.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

Sugarpova Effect: 8 Indian Cricketers And Their Potential Brand Surnames

A recent NASA study reveals only two human voices reach Mars – the first being Arnab Goswami’s when he’s collaring the Newshour debate with aplomb; and the second, Maria Sharapova’s grunt when she is whacking the ball.

The tennis tsarina, and I’m not talking about Mr Goswami, recently appealed to a Florida court seeking to temporarily change her surname to ‘Sugarpova’ for the duration of the US Open before abandoning the marketing stunt.

For the uninitiated, Sugarpova is the candy line Sharapova owns

In the end, Maria Sugarpova didn’t materialise. In fact, the poor richest female athlete pulled out of US Open with a shoulder injury.

Taking it from there, Doosra lists eight Indian cricketers and what should have been their natural brand surnames.

1. Sourav Scholl: When things got tense, Sourav Ganguly chewed his nails as if they were Greg Chappell. Legend has it Scholl patterned their nail-clipper after Dada.

2. Rohit Maggi: The first joke an average Indian kid learns is that you put maggi two-minute noodles on oven when Rohit Sharma walks out to bat and serve it hot when he’s back in the pavilion.

3. Shikhar Moustache: Shikhar Dhawan possesses contemporary cricket’s most famed handlebar and Moustache jeans can’t sign a better person to revive the brand that was fairly popular in small-time towns.

4. Harbhajan KFC: Even his detractors would admit he was a ‘Finger-licking good’ spinner before being reduced to a thumb-sucking has-been.

5. Ajit Nokia: Ajit Chandila has been connecting people so that they could fix IPL matches.

6. Sir Ravindra Good Knight: He is as efficient as the mosquito repellent brand. Has also assumed Knighthood without waiting for the queen to confer one on him.

7. Mahendra Singh Pawan Hans: There is a general consensus even among the armed forces that Dhoni manufactures India’s best helicopters.

8. Virat Cisco: If you closely look at the Cisco logo, it resembles human digits with two rather outsized middle fingers, jutting out as if Virat Kohli’s.

P.S. The Bounce list of T20 cricketers who might change their surnames is here.

Friday, 16 August 2013

Thank You All : IBAwards 2013


Saturday, 10 August 2013

7 Reasons Why I Hate Cats

Did one of them facilitate a meeting between my ex and incumbent?

Did one of them left on my boss’s table the piece of paper in which I had scribbled, in a fit of natural rage, exactly what I think of him in rather unforgiving terms?

Did they ever leave a half-eaten pomfret under my pillow, leaving me with stinking linens?

To be fair to them, the common answer to the questions above is NO.

Which automatically leads us to the next question – why I dislike cats. Especially when so many allow, even pet, them. But then some allow Osama Bin Laden too.

Primarily, it is their insufferable insolence – an amalgamation of annoying arrogance, supreme smugness and humongous hubris -- which completely puts me off.

And if you insist on the specifics, below are seven reasons why I remain immune to, what I consider non-existent, charm of a cat.

1. Cats have nine lives and worse, they wear that smugness;

2. I love most exotic foods but ghee-rice-garnished-with-cat-fur is not among them;

3. Despite their religious and political differences, cats across the world follow the standard feline transportation method of grabbing their kitten by the scruff of the neck to carry them. I find it disturbing, also an unnerving reminder of my tumultuous childhood replete with such treatments from my parents.

4. They never trim whiskers.

5. Cats are the worst professionals among animals. Imagine yourself recruiting a gardener, who appears the next day to announce he doesn’t feel like gardening anymore and it would be nice if his salary cheque is mailed to him. Cats have practically mastered this art. Here you have an animal whose sole professional reputation is built around its appetite for domestic rats, which invariably vanishes the moment you pet them! Nobody has pulled off a bigger con on humanity.

6. Cats have a wicked sense of humour which is evident in the way they playfully chew grass just to mock poor cows.

7. I may not own a Lamborghini but I can afford a leg-warmer. And I prefer it in winter. I just don’t want a ball of fur around my ankle when mercury is in the upper 40s.

P.S. Couldn’t resist the temptation of quoting a PG Wodehouse character from “The Story of Webster”.

‘Cats’, proceeded the Pint of Bitter, ‘are selfish. A man waits on a cat hand and foot for weeks, humouring its lightest whim, and then it goes and leaves him flat because it has found a place down the roads where the fish is more frequent.”

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

India's Royal Reaction To Prince Cambridge

1. He should be named IRCTC. Took so long. ~ An IRCTC victim.

2. Prince Cambridge? Dare to think beyond Cambridge. Think IIPM ~ Arindam Chaudhury.

3. Dude, he's a kid...Being Human, you see... Well, invite him to any Iftar party, will hug him too. ~ Salman Khan.

4. Oye, chha gaya guruuu. Like a fly rather sly on a ply, like a cow chewing plough don't know how, like a goat eating coat on a boat... khatak! ~ Navjot Sidhu.

5. We should not forget that the kid is English and English is hurting me...I mean India. ~ Rajnath Singh.

6. We decry dynasty rule but wish Prince Cambridge a smooth reign as future head of the Commonwealth ~ Congress.

7. I have penned and composed a birthday song which, incidentally, may sound familiar but is my original creation. ♬ Happy Birthday To You, Happy Birthday To You ♬ ~ Pritam.

Saturday, 29 June 2013

Yet no trails behind

Tea turned cold
I grew old
It didn't rain

Terrace gathers leaves
Dry and in heaps
Clouds abstain.

Does this craggy face
Ever resurface
In a distant mind?

Or it gathers moss
Time rides horse
Yet no trails behind.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Arnab Goswami Interviews N Srinivasan!

AG: Welcome to News Hour, Mr Srinivasan.
NS: Thanks Mr Goswami. But I can't be bulldozed into being welcomed, mind you.

AG: The nation would decide that Mr Srinivasan. My channel, in other words. Tell me first, is Mr Gurunath Meiyappan your son-in-law?
NS: Yers, he is.

AG: Why?
NS: What do you mean why?

AG: Mr Srinivasan, the nation, yes the nation, wants to know what procedure was followed when you made Mr Gurunath your son-in-law?
NS: What nonsense! He married my daughter and thus became son-in-law! Simple!

AG: Not so simple, Mr Srinivasan. It shows there were no checks and balances in place. The nation wants to know why?
NS: What nonsense!

AG: Mr Srinivasan, why is he still your son-in-law?
NS: What do you mean still? You don't change son-in-laws like panelists! I warn you, I can't be railroaded into changing my son-in-law!

AG: Mr Srinivasan, the nation wants to know why Guru remains your son-in-law.
NS: What nonsense! What you want him to be then?

AG: Why, son-in-law-made-outlaw?
NS: What!!! Listen, I can't be bulldozed into converting my son-in-law into my son-in-law-made-outlaw. He's slightly over-enthusiastic, is that crime?

AG: You are no less enthusiastic Mr Srinivasan. What about your conflict of interests? You head BCCI, you own Chennai Super Kings, you bully ICC...
NS: Look who's talking. You bully your panelists, you bully the politicians, you bully the entire nation. Can you deny it?

AG: Err...ummm.
NS: And conflict of interest? I accuse you of having conflict of interests in a way. All your interest is in creating conflicts. You pit panelist against panelist, politicians against politicians, players against players. What of that? Enough, I have wasted enough time already.

AG: Err...ummm...you can't go without completing the interview, especially when the nation wants to know...
NS: To hell with you and to hell with your nation. I cannot be bulldozed into giving interviews. (exits)

Monday, 20 May 2013

Sreesanth Limerick

There was a madcap called Sreesanth
Who courted trouble almost every month
He took money to give runs
And then broke into a dance
Until jail became new home of that Sreesanth.

Friday, 10 May 2013

There wasn't just enough Pran

A guy in his 20s, with gloved hands, pushed the wheelchair into the room at his Bandra residence. Pran Saab did look old but not without some of the glamour that lit up the silverscreen for decades. The metal frame of his specs gleamed, the shawl that wrapped his frail frame looked elegant and there was nothing really amiss.

This until I&B minister Manish Tiwari handed over the citation and put the medallion around Pran Saab's neck. The man didn't even blink. Pran Saab sat motionless, seemingly aloof from the occasion he himself had necessitated. An actor didn't emote. That too when receiving the premier recognition of his supreme ability to do just that. Cruel old age has taken its toll on him.

The guy with gloved hands dabbed a hanky on the corner of his wet mouth. An elderly woman whispered something into his ear and, for the first time, Pran Saab's pupils dilated. Even the upper lip slightly twitched. That's it.

His family gathered around him for a group photo with the minister, elated at the recognition of one of India's most liked performers whose primary on-screen job, rather ironically, was to try and be as much disliked as possible.

Done with the group photo, the minister stepped forward to address the media scrum, articulating how the awardee had enhanced the award's stature.

The melee of family members gathered to form a wall behind the minister, shielding Pran Saab from vision. The TV channel cut away to a panel discussion on what they have been calling Railgate and you felt a distinct relief.

For it made painful viewing where the cruelty of old age overshadowed what should have been a celebration of Indian cinema and one of its most beloved sons.

There was just not enough Pran on that occasion.

Sunday, 5 May 2013

Nehru appears in PM’s dream, resents being called Chacha!

Prime Minister was deep in his slumber when Jawaharlal Nehru appeared in his dream and below is what transpired between them:

Nehru: Sonny boy, do you recognise me?
PM: Oye! Roshan Seth!

Nehru: (Sighs). Oh boy! No idea what are you blabbering about. I’m Nehru, Jawaharlal.
PM: Otteri! Sorry sir, please don’t mind. Dreaming without my specs on, you see. But Chacha Nehru in my dream!

Nehru: Cut the crap. Precisely what I hate.
PM: What’s the matter Chacha Nehru? You seem upset about something?

Nehru: Can you please stop calling me Chacha?
PM: But why? Gandhiji is the Father of the Nation and you are the Uncle! Like Uncle Ho of Vietnam.

Nehru: Yes but have you noticed the disturbing trend of rogue nephews?
PM: Your nephew had rog? You mean disease?

Nehru: I mean rogue. Can you please be a little less funny?
PM: Sorry Chacha…err…I mean sir. But I didn’t get you.

Nehru: Let me explain. Your agriculture minister’s nephew wanted to urinate on damn. Your railway minister’s nephew took bribe. Your cricketer’s nephew tweets something to nearly trigger a diplomatic row with Pakistan. And you want me to remain the Uncle of this loony nation?
PM: Get you point sir. Indeed, tough time for the uncles of this country. Even my government’s predicament pales in comparison.

Nehru: Glad you understand that. As a former Prime Minister, can I ask for a favour?
PM: You embarrass me sir. Just order me.

Nehru: Can you make it illegal to call me Chacha?
PM: Hmm. But people would be intrigued and ask me why.

Nehru: Come on. You seldom talk anyway. So what’s the problem? Can’t you do this much for me?
PM: Ok sir. My government has done lot more sillier, inexplicable things. Guess one more won’t do any harm. I’ll go ahead and table a bill tomorrow.

Nehru: I’m greatly relieved. Can’t thank you enough. I know I put you in a spot.
PM: Don’t worry sir. Even if people ask me why I introduced the bill, I have a ready-excuse.

Nehru: And what's that?
PM: That my nephew brought the bill and it was not me!

Sunday, 21 April 2013

IPL Limerick : Sir Ravindra Jadeja

Sir Ravindra Jadeja is no cipher
He's Superman or Batman can't decipher
He got his knighthood
Back in his childhood
When he walked into Buckingham in diaper.

Thursday, 18 April 2013


There's this North Korea brandishing nuke
Which they bought or devised by some fluke
Their leader in Pyongyang
Rather fat, silly and young
Sports a hairstyle that makes many puke.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

IPL Limerick

There is this Kohli of Delhi
Who has surplus fire in belly
To prove he's no sissy
He does MC-BC
The remarkable Kohli of Delhi.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

16 incredible Ravindra Jadeja facts you didn’t know!

1. Ravindra Jadeja cracked the joke that made Mona Lisa smile. She otherwise was in a real foul mood;

2. Ravindra Jadeja doesn't smile, he's way above these emotions. He just checks in our eyes if his teeth are clean and bright;

3. Ravindra Jadeja walking on earth is an optical illusion. He actually handwalks on sky;

4. Ravindra Jadeja once got into a heated argument with a mute and used three blind beggars as eyewitnesses when the brawl reached court;

5. Ravindra Jadeja once scared a snake so much that it instantly developed legs and simply ran away;

6. Ravindra Jadeja once bowled an eight-ball over with eight different balls, which are still spinning. We call them planets;

7. Ravindra Jadeja wears his shades on his head to send the message to the aliens that he's constantly monitoring their movement;

8. Ravindra Jadeja is younger than his younger brother;

9. Ravindra Jadeja chews drinking water into atoms before swallowing them;

10. Ravindra Jadeja can wear his shoes first and socks later;

11. Ravindra Jadeja's hairs cut themselves;

12. Neil Armstrong was hesitant about stepping on Moon. Ravindra Jadeja pushed him from behind;

13. Ravindra Jadeja doesn't take a fishing rod to fishing. He just scatters his visiting cards on water and fishes reach his home;

14. Ravindra Jadeja has sung a playback song in a silent movie;

15. Ravindra Jadeja goes to a shop to sell things;

16. Ravindra Jadeja went to school so that others could study. Him.

Friday, 15 March 2013

Arnab Goswami Interviews Pope Francis!

AG: Welcome to News Hour and hearty congratulations.
Pope: God bless you, my son.

AG: Wait! What did you say? My son!
Pope: Yes, my son.

AG: How can you call me 'my son'? Am I your son?
Pope: Err, No.

AG: Are you my dad?
Pope: No.

AG: Then? Mr Pope, the nation wants to know why you called me 'my son'?
Pope: I don’t get you. I mean I'm the Pope and this is how I address all!

AG: Just because you are the Pope, you assume you have a birthright to call every perfect stranger your son? Who you think you are? ND Tiwari?
Pope: No idea what you are blabbering. And Mr Goswami, why you are hollering into my eardrum.

AG: That's better, 'Mr Goswami'. Way better. So Mr Pope...
Pope: Hang on, what? Mr Pope? Nobody calls me like that!

AG: Do you deny you are Mister? The nation is watching you, mind you.
Pope: No I don’t!

AG: Do you deny you are the Pope? Look, Times Now has accessed exclusive documents and chain of emails that prove beyond doubt that you ARE the Pope, Mr Pope. The game’s over, you can’t hide!
Pope: But I never said I'm not the Pope!

AG: For the first time, on Times Now, you admit you are Mister and you are Pope too. (Raises voice) Then why can’t I call you Mr Pope?
Pope: (Sotto voce) Man, they never told me I’ll have to spend an hour with a lunatic if I become Pope.

AG: Stop mumbling and explain the smoke.
Pope: Smoke? I don't smoke, son...err...Mr Goswami.

AG: Don't try to distract and derail the discussion. Explain the smoke that comes out of Vatican chimney after papal elections. Show me the no-objection certificate from the Pollution Control Board.
Pope: What?

AG: You can't escape me and my channel Mr Pope. You release smoke of every possible colour to signal various results of the election. I mean what age you guys live in? Do you know this is a serious violation of the Indian environment rules?
Pope: Jesus! But it happened in Vatican, how can it violate Indian law!

AG: So you mean air doesn’t travel? Mr Pope, air transcends boundary! Like Aman-ki-Asha! Before entering studio, I coughed like I'd die. How can you be so sure the same polluted smoke from Vatican has not travelled to Mumbai? Can you identify polluted Vatican smoke from polluted Indian smoke? Can you? You can't Mr Pope! Mr Pope...Mr Pope! Thought he was here with us!

Studio Crew: Sir, you started ranting at the camera and he crawled under the table and fled five minutes back.

Friday, 1 March 2013

5 Geopolitical Songs!

1. Tera mujhse hai pehle ka NATO koi.

2. SAARCailo khatiya jada laage.

3. NAM gum jayega, chehra yeh badal jayega.

4. EU to hum ne lakh haseen dekhe hai, tum saa naheen dekhaa.

5. Ek akela is sheher me....aabodaana dhoondta hai, ASEANa dhoondta hai.

Saturday, 23 February 2013

5 Simple Joys Of A Guy's Life

1. Slipping a tattered, cellotaped currency note to one of those autowallas who fleece you on a daily basis;

2. Identifying the right passenger, anticipating his destination, positioning yourself accordingly and eventually occupying the seat he vacates, much to the envy of fellow commuters;

3. A pebble you casually threw hitting the lamp post bang in the middle and producing that sweet, musical sound you haven't heard in a long time;

4. Predicting a single digit score for Rohit Sharma and watching him living upto the expectations;

5. Realising your off day coincides with the last date for collection of contribution for the farewell of a colleague you don't really count among your pals.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

20 Hindi Brand Songs!

1. Sarki chunariya re, Zara Zara...
2. Yeh andha Canon hai..
3. IBM-e-Batuta, bagal me joota...
4. GE karda bhai GE karda...
5. Dil mein mere hai Dard-e-Cisco...
6. Citi ayee hai ayee hai Citi ayee hai..
7. Yeh Honda kanun hai...
8. Aanewala Apple jaanewala hai...
9. Sony aa dil se mila de dil, just chill, chill...
10. Nike paan banaraswala, khul jaye bandh akal ka talaa...
11. Aaj me UPS, asmaan neeche...
12. SAPne me milti hai o kudi meri...
13. Prada hai Prada, Prada ke peeche Prada nasheen hai ...
14. Kuchh Kellog's kahenge...
15. Gucci Gucci Rakkamma...
16. AIG oji loji sunoji...
17. Matru ka Bijli Ka Motorola...
18. Dil ke Armani aansuo me beh gaye...
19. O Marriott o Marriott o Marriott ho ho ho...
20. Visa ho ya dil ho akhir tut jata hai...

Sunday, 20 January 2013

7 Reactions To Lance Armstrong’s Dope Confession!

1. Swamutra is the best performance-enhancing substance and it's not on WADA list of banned drugs either. Lance should have come to me ~ Swami Agnivesh.

2. Neil Armstrong's confession saddens me and I strongly condemn it. Even Hina Rabbani Khar would agree with me ~ SM Krishna.

3. I always had doubts about him. He cycles faster than my deliveries! ~ Irfan Pathan.

4. I think Lance Armstrong has been targetted. I tell you this performance-enhancing drug is a hoax. I took them myself and my acting never improved ~ Tusshar Kapoor.

5. Who needs dope Tamanna? Mere paas to performance enhance karne ka aur do-do ideas hai ~ Virat Kohli.

6. I always had my suspicion. His bike always looked dented and painted ~ Abhijit Mukherjee.

7. Culprits would be brought to the book. Theek Hai? ~ PM.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Doosra Annual Awards 2012

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Award Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ok, without testing your patience, here are the annual gongs and the winners:

1. Bollywood Balloon D’or: Vidya Balloon Balan.

2. DNA Father of the Nation: N D Tiwary.

3. Olympian of the Year: Madhura Honey. Ok, Nagendra.

4. Nephew of the Year: Suresh Raina’s nephew.

5. Athlete of the Year: Baba Ramdev, for his national record-bettering high-jump at Ramlila Ground.

6. Alternative Beverage Promotion Society’s Man of the Year: Swami Agnivesh for pioneering Swamutra.

7. Driver of the Year: Nitin Gadkari's driver. Special jury award to Abhishek Manu Singhvi's driver.

8. Cliche Oscar: The contest went down to the wire but in the end, Ravi Shastri was the real winner. He received a trace-bullet shaped trophy from beaten finalist Navjot Sidhu.

9. Hearing Aid Manufacturer Association Citation: Arnab Goswami

10. Vowel Promotion Society's Personality of the Year: Tusshar Kapoor for confining his on-screen eloquence to a-e-i-o-u.

11. Wooer of the Year: Virat Kohli. Always armed with two ladki-patanewala ideas.

12. Bollywood Debutante of the Year: Aaradhya Bachchan. She already has as many hits as Esha Deol had in her entire career.

13. Indian Grooms Association's Appreciation Medal: Siddharth Mallya for his seminal work on Ideal Future Wife.

14: Girlfriend Valuer of the Year: Narendra Modi for calling Sunanda Pushkar Shashi Tharoor’s Rs 50 crore girlfriend.

15. Gurgaon Fruit Seller Association's Man of the Year: Robert Vadra for his "mango people in banana republic" post.

Doosra Annual Award 2008
Doosra Annual Award 2009
Doosra Annual Awards 2010)